Who else misses Ralph?

[brianvh]

For some reason the thought of Ralph Sickinger drifted across my conciousness while I was trying to do something useful. I remembered the description of his wedding I started write and never finished so it never saw the light of day. Re-reading the segment makes me kinda lonesome for the guy. Thought I'd leave a copy here. Ralph, if you're out there, nobody can replace you, dude.


Ralph gets Hitched

Ralph needed some ushers for his wedding. The Cav and I needed some action, so being the pal that he his, Ralph deputized us so we could get first crack at any prospects that wafted through the door. Without the liability of helmet hair, which I blame as the sole thing keeping me from romantic bliss. So as Ralph and Maria were hard at work planning the wedding, the Cav and I were cruising the malls for twirling bowties. They’re not as easy to find as you might hope. Finally when I had given up all hope and was glumly flipping through catalogs while getting fitted for my tuxedo, I discovered I could get a sage-green paisley vest with matching bow tie. I dithered between that and a muted silver design, but the chance to wear a green paisley bow tie under questionable circumstances comes but once in a lifetime, so I made the plunge and damn the consequences. When I picked it up the tie turned out to be an eyesore the size of my fist. No hiding that monster. I was delighted.

The next day was Ralph’s bachelor party. No strip-joint for Ralph, no sin-drenched last chance orgy: he picked a bowling alley in Gaithersburg, and had invited the fathers on both sides of the family. Something had to be done. I was halfway up 270 when I remembered the Brianna getup from Hyner. It had a tight skirt and a blonde wig that hung clear down to my knees, but it was lying uselessly at home. I have never so loathed myself for missed opportunities. I had a backup plan: I’d get there and ask where the ATM machine was, and when they asked me ‘what ATM machine?’ I’d look put out and say “Wha…what kind of strip joint IS this?”

So I get there, and Ralph introduces me to the assembled in-laws: Maria’s father and brother, and Ralphs brother-in-law and….okay, those of you who couldn’t make it to the wedding, you’re gonna have to sit down for this. Ralph has a totally hot sister. I mean someone none of us could possibly be related to: tight body, quick mind, playful personality, a cascade of hair halfway down to her waist. They can’t possibly related, I mean, they’re not even the same sex. Anyway, I started off with my ATM machine line, and they immediately pointed to the machine right behind me. Perfectly good joke shot to hell.

We start bowling. Ralph takes his game very seriously, but relaxed for our benefit and only complained about the poor job of oiling the lanes once. In response his sister (Susan) concocted Enrique the dreamy-eyed oil boy, who happened to be out that day, but haunted the dreams of all female bowlers. We all knew we’d be bowling better if Enrique was on duty. She and Ralph are a study in contrast: Ralph shoots by the book, ‘addressing the ball’ and so such. Susan sort of sashays up to the line, then in a sudden paroxysm her body pops like a human slingshot, launching the ball like it had been bitch-slapped. Seems to work pretty well for her. In a stunning display of sibling restraint, Ralph made no attempt to critique her form. Between the beer, pizza and bowling we were having a good time. I was supposed to follow Susan in the lineup, but once caught her bowling after me. When I made inquiries she just shrugged her shoulders and faded into the background before I could pursue it. Suddenly Ralph broke off from whatever topic he was holding forth on before his turn and glared at the scoreboard with puzzled indignation: “Hey! How did I bowl two gutter balls?” The genius of that woman is breathtaking.

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I shall have to finish this one day. Sadly, I believe I lost my notes. If anyone else has fond memories of the wedding that followed, please post. My favorite is that Ralph had organized the canned music as people got seated in alphabetical order, so the wedding party would always know what the countdown was. We ushers were to start seating people when 'water music' started playing.

[dbodner]

I wasn't there, so I have no anecdotes to share. Still, I enjoyed the images you're painting. If you get more, add it.